Humility Must Match One's True Level

1The Yerushalmi relates (Kilayim 9:3), and the Midrash on our parshah cites it (Bereishis Rabbah 100:2): “R' Yochanan instructed before his death, ‘Do not bury me in white garments or in black ones, but in garments of mixed colors. If I am found to belong with the tzaddikim, the wicked will not recognize me, and if I am found to belong with the wicked, the tzaddikim will not recognize me.’ R' Yoshiyah instructed, ‘Dress me in white garments.’ They said to him, ‘Your teacher said one thing, and you say another?’ He answered, ‘Am I ashamed of my deeds?’” This Midrash needs explaining. They asked him how he could consider himself greater than his teacher, R' Yochanan, and he answered that this was indeed the truth: his deeds were better than his teacher's!

2aThe Midrash can be explained this way. Humility is certainly a most praiseworthy trait. Someone who has refined his soul and purified it greatly can reach true humility: it becomes truly settled in his mind that none of his deeds are complete or worthy of giving Hashem gratification. But someone who has not yet reached such great humility, in whose soul it is not yet fixed in complete truth that his deeds are nothing and his Torah and mitzvos count for nothing at all, must act according to his own level. A painted-on humility is no humility. He must regard himself according to the humility he has actually reached, and no more. Anything beyond that is not true, since he has not yet reached it.

2bThat is what R' Yoshiyah answered when they asked him why he did not give the same instruction as his teacher, R' Yochanan. He had not yet reached so great a level of humility that he could truly doubt whether he might stand with the wicked. Only his teacher, R' Yochanan, had reached such great humility. And he did not want simply to act like R' Yochanan when he had not yet reached that great level. That is the meaning of “Am I ashamed of my deeds?” What can I do? I have not yet reached such humility. I do see some gratification before Hashem in my deeds and mitzvos, and I am not ashamed of my deeds, because I have not yet reached the level my teacher R' Yochanan reached. So I must regard myself according to the humility I have actually reached. Consider this carefully.