A Heart That Felt Cold

The beis medrash was packed. Every seat was taken by someone deeply engrossed in learning, earnestly reciting Tehillim, or absorbed in fervent prayer. Elul was in full swing, and the room was filled with the sense of teshuvah that comes before the Yomim Noraim.

Into this atmosphere came the Uhjler Rav, Rav Moshe Yosef Teitelbaum. To his great distress, he felt cold and unmoved by the electric energy of Elul. He was bitterly disappointed in himself, and the feeling did not lift. It only grew worse through the days of Selichos and the Aseres Yemei Teshuvah.

"What is wrong with me?" the Uhjler Rav sighed. Elul passed without so much as a flutter of passion in his heart. "Why do I feel unmoved by these days of mercy and good will, rachamim veratzon?" he cried.

His answer came from his grandfather, the holy Sanzer Rav, the Divrei Chaim. Right after the Yomim Noraim (days of awe), the Uhjler Rav traveled to Sanz.

That Shabbos, as the Divrei Chaim conducted his Friday night tisch, he recited the words of the Arizal's song in honor of Shabbos, "Na'avid lehon kisrin bemilin yakirin," "We shall create crowns with precious words." Then he paused and said, "When Klal Yisroel serve Hashem with prayer and devotion, their avodah creates the crown jewels for Hashem. The luster of each jewel depends on the quality of each person's avodah. Some shine bright and some are duller, and some jewels," here the Divrei Chaim paused for emphasis, "some jewels dazzle the most. They come from those who agonize over their apparent lack of feeling, who cannot muster enthusiasm though they yearn to be close to Hashem. That is why we say, 'We shall create crowns with precious words.' These words for Hashem's crown are yakirin, substantial, consequential, precious, because they were said with a heavy heart that longs for Hashem."

Rav Moshe Yosef had received his answer, and the Uhjler Rav rejoiced.