The Trust Returned Whole
When Rabban Yochanan's son passed away, four talmidim tried to comfort him and failed, until Rebbi Elazar ben Arach found the words that consoled him.
It is told that when the son of Rabban Yochanan ben Zakkai passed away, his talmidim came in to comfort him.
Rebbi Eliezer came first and asked permission to speak. Adam HaRishon lost a son, he said, and he accepted comfort. You too should accept comfort. Rabban Yochanan answered: Is my own grief not enough, that you remind me of Adam's grief as well? Rebbi Yehoshua spoke of Iyov, who lost all his children in one day and was comforted. Rebbi Yosei spoke of Aharon, who lost two sons in one day and was silent. Rebbi Shimon spoke of Dovid HaMelech. To each one Rabban Yochanan gave the same reply: Must you add their grief to mine?
Then Rebbi Elazar ben Arach approached. When Rabban Yochanan saw him coming, he told his attendant to take his clothes and follow him to the bathhouse, for this was a man of great distinction, and he would not receive him as he was.
Rebbi Elazar told him a parable. A king entrusted a precious object to one of his servants. Every day the servant worried and wept: When will I be free of this trust, safe and whole? Rebbi, said Rebbi Elazar, you had a son who learned Torah, Neviim and Kesuvim, Mishnah, halachos and aggados, and he left this world without sin. You should be comforted that you have returned your trust whole.
Rabban Yochanan said: Elazar my son, you have comforted me as people can comfort.
Source: Avos d'Rebbi Nosson 14 (English: A. Cohen, The Minor Tractates of the Talmud, Soncino, 1965).
Next time you visit someone who is grieving or hurting, resist the urge to tell them about others who suffered more. Instead, speak about the person they lost or the good in their own life: a quality you admired, a kindness you remember. Say it simply, then listen. Like Rebbi Elazar, you may find that the most comforting words are the ones that honor what was precious to them.