Tzaddeket

Tamar

תמר

Daughter-in-law of Yehudah, who would rather face the fire than shame him, and became mother of Peretz and the royal house of Dovid.

YahrzeitNot recorded

Biography

A Bride in the House of Yehudah

Tamar a"h, the mother of Peretz and the ancestress of the house of Dovid, came into the family of Yaakov Avinu as a young bride. Yehudah, the fourth son of Yaakov and Leah, chose her as a wife for Er, his firstborn. The Midrash teaches that she was a daughter of Shem, the son of Noach, who served as a kohen to Hashem in his generation.

These were the years after the sale of Yosef. Chazal describe how each member of the family was absorbed in his own sorrow: the brothers with the sale of Yosef, Yosef, Reuven and Yaakov each with his sackcloth and fasting. Yehudah had gone down from his brothers and settled near Chirah of Adullam, and there he married and raised three sons, Er, Onan and Shelah.

Er was displeasing in the eyes of Hashem, and he died young. Yehudah then gave Tamar to his second son, Onan, to perform yibum (levirate marriage) and raise up a child in his brother's name. The Midrash notes that Yehudah was the first to keep this mitzvah. But Onan did not wish the child to be counted as his brother's, and he too was taken from the world.

Two husbands had passed away, and Yehudah was afraid for his youngest. He told Tamar to sit as a widow in her father's house until Shelah grew up. Rashi explains that he was in fact putting her off, with no intention of giving her to Shelah. So Tamar went home and waited, a young widow bound to a family that would not let her go and would not take her back.

On the Road to Timnah

Many days passed. Yehudah's wife, the daughter of Shua, passed away, and when his mourning ended he went up to Timnah, where his sheep were being shorn. Tamar was told that her father-in-law was on his way. By now she saw that Shelah had grown up, and still she had not been given to him.

She took off her widow's garments, covered herself with a veil, and sat at Petach Einayim, at the fork of the road to Timnah. Rashi explains what moved her: she longed to bring children into the world from Yehudah himself. The Gemara sets her beside Zimri, whose act brought the fall of thousands in Israel, and teaches how great a deed done for the sake of Heaven can be. From Tamar, Chazal say, came kings and prophets.

Yehudah did not recognize her, for she had covered her face. Chazal draw a lesson from this: while she lived in his house she had kept herself modest and covered her face, so he had never come to know it. The Midrash teaches in the name of Rebbi Yochanan that Yehudah meant to pass by, and Hashem sent an angel to turn him toward her, for kings and great men were to come from this meeting.

As a pledge until he could send her payment, she asked for three things: his seal, his cord and his staff. The Midrash says that ruach hakodesh (the holy spirit) shone in her as she named them. The seal stood for kingship, the cord for the Sanhedrin, and the staff for Moshiach. Yehudah left them with her, and she conceived. When his friend came to redeem the pledge, there was no one there to be found.

Brought Out to the Fire

About three months later Yehudah was told that his daughter-in-law was expecting a child. He ruled that she be brought out and burned. The Midrash teaches, and Rashi brings it, that the sentence was burning because she was the daughter of Shem, a kohen. The Midrash also relates that she would say that she was carrying kings, that she was carrying redeemers.

As she was led out, she held in her hand everything she needed to save herself. Yet she did not say, it was you. She sent the seal, the cord and the staff to Yehudah with a quiet message: I am expecting from the man to whom these belong. Please recognize them. If he would admit it, let him admit it on his own; if not, she was ready to be burned rather than shame him in public. From her Chazal learned that it is better for a person to be thrown into a fiery furnace than to embarrass another in public.

Yehudah recognized them and said before everyone: she is more righteous than I, for I did not give her to Shelah my son. The Gemara teaches that a heavenly voice then came forth and said: from Me these hidden things came about. Rashi explains that because she had been modest in her father-in-law's house, Heaven had decreed that kings would come from her, and from the tribe of Yehudah. Because Yehudah sanctified Hashem's Name in public, Chazal say, his entire name carries the letters of Hashem's Name.

Mother of Kings

When her time came, there were twins in her womb. One put out his hand, and the midwife tied a scarlet thread on it, saying, this one came out first. But he drew it back and his brother came out instead, and she said, what a breach you have made for yourself. He was named Peretz, and the brother with the scarlet thread was named Zerach. Rashi notes that the word for twins is spelled here in full, unlike the twins of Rivkah, because both of Tamar's sons were tzaddikim.

Peretz and Zerach went down to Egypt with Yaakov Avinu, and Peretz's sons Chetzron and Chamul are counted among the seventy souls. The line of Peretz runs through Chetzron, Ram, Aminadav, Nachshon, Salmah and Boaz to Oved, Yishai and Dovid. When Boaz married Rus, the elders of Beis Lechem blessed him that his house be like the house of Peretz, whom Tamar bore to Yehudah.

Chazal teach that every bride who is modest in her father-in-law's house merits that kings and prophets come from her, and they learn it from Tamar. The kings are the house of Dovid. The prophets include Yeshayahu, for Amotz his father and Amatzyah, king of Yehudah, were brothers. The Midrash teaches that while everyone else was busy with his own worries in those days, Hashem was busy creating the light of Moshiach, and the staff she held was a sign of him.

The Torah does not tell of her passing, and no yahrzeit or kever is recorded. The Noam Elimelech reads her story as a picture of the Shechinah in exile, who pleads before Hashem on behalf of Israel and asks for a seal, a cord and a staff to sustain them until the redemption. Her name means the date palm, and Jews remember her as the mother who held the line of kings in her hands and would not let another man be shamed.

Stories

A Prayer at the Crossroads

Waiting at a fork in the road, Tamar turned her eyes to the One to whom all eyes look and asked not to go away empty-handed.

Years had passed since Tamar was sent home as a widow. Shelah, the son she had been promised, was grown, and no one had come for her. She was bound to the house of Yehudah and could marry no one else, yet she had no child and no future. When she heard that Yehudah was going up to Timnah, she set out to the place where the road divides.

The verse says that she sat at Petach Einayim, the opening of the eyes. Rebbi Ami said that he searched the whole of Tanach and found no place by that name. So what does it mean? The Midrash teaches that she lifted her eyes to the gate toward which all eyes look, the gate of tefillah. There she prayed: may it be Your will, Hashem my God, that I not leave this house empty-handed.

The Gemara gives another reading. Rav Alexandri said that she sat at the doorway of Avraham Avinu, the place all eyes long to see, for she knew that Yehudah would pass there. Her hope rested on the house of Avraham.

Rashi explains what she was seeking: she longed to bring children into the world from Yehudah. Chazal teach that she acted for the sake of Heaven, and that kings and prophets came from her. Hashem answered her prayer. From that day at the crossroads came Peretz, and from Peretz came Dovid and, in time, Moshiach.

Source: Bereishis 38:11–14; Midrash Bereishis Rabbah 85:7; Gemara, Sotah 10a (Talmud Bavli); Gemara, Nazir 23b; Rashi on Bereishis 38:14–15. English: The Sefaria Midrash Rabbah (2022); The William Davidson Talmud (Koren–Steinsaltz).

Practical lessonBring the long wait to Hashem

Tamar had waited for years, and before she acted she turned her eyes to Hashem and asked not to go away empty. Think of something you have been waiting for a long time: a shidduch, a child, a job, a healing, a change in someone you love. Today, in the Shema Koleinu blessing of Shemoneh Esrei or in your own words afterward, ask for it simply and by name: may it be Your will that I not go away empty-handed. Then take one small, proper step toward it this week.

Rather the Fire

Led out to be burned, Tamar held the proof that could save her, and still would not say a word that would shame Yehudah.

Word reached Yehudah that his widowed daughter-in-law was expecting a child. He gave his ruling, and she was brought out to be burned. In her hands she held the seal, the cord and the staff he had left with her. One sentence, it was you, would have saved her life.

The Gemara relates that at that very moment the angel Samael came and pushed the signs away from her, and the angel Gavriel came and brought them back. Rebbi Yochanan reads a verse of Tehillim about this moment: when her signs were taken from her, she was like a silent dove. The Midrash adds that the pledges had been lost, and Hashem provided her with others in their place.

Still she did not accuse him. She sent the signs to Yehudah with these words: I am expecting from the man to whom these belong. Please recognize them. Rashi explains her thinking: if he admits it, let him admit it of his own accord; and if not, let them burn me, and I will not shame him. The Gemara hears more in her plea: please recognize the face of your Creator, and do not turn your eyes away from me. Rashi adds that she was asking him not to lose three lives, her own and the two children she carried.

Yehudah recognized them and confessed before everyone. From Tamar, Chazal teach, we learn that it is better for a person to throw himself into a fiery furnace than to embarrass another in public.

Source: Bereishis 38:24–26; Gemara, Sotah 10b (Talmud Bavli), also Berachos 43b and Bava Metzia 59a; Midrash Bereishis Rabbah 85:11; Rashi on Bereishis 38:25. English: The William Davidson Talmud (Koren–Steinsaltz); The Sefaria Midrash Rabbah (2022).

Practical lessonLeave room for the other to step forward

Tamar could have saved herself by naming Yehudah before everyone. Instead she gave him the chance to admit it himself. When you need to correct someone this week, a family member, a coworker, a friend, do it privately and leave the door open. Instead of saying you did this, try a gentle question: could you take a look at this with me? Before you speak about anyone in front of others, ask yourself whether it would make them want to hide their face, and if so, keep it for a private moment.

She Is More Righteous Than I

When Yehudah saw his own seal and staff, he chose truth over honor, and a voice from Heaven answered that it was all from Above.

The signs were set before Yehudah: his seal, his cord, his staff. He had once brought his father a garment dipped in blood and asked him to recognize it. Now the same words came back to him: please recognize these. Chazal teach that this was measure for measure.

Yehudah could have stayed silent. Instead he said before all the people: she is more righteous than I, because I did not give her to Shelah my son. The Gemara asks how he could be certain that the child was his. It answers that a heavenly voice came forth and said: from Me these hidden things came about. All of it had been guided from Above. Chazal count this among the three places where ruach hakodesh appeared openly, in the court of Shem.

The Gemara teaches that the heavenly voice spoke of a reward as well. You saved Tamar and her two children from the fire, it said; in your merit I will save three of your descendants from the fire. They were Chananyah, Mishael and Azaryah, who generations later walked out of Nevuchadnetzar's furnace unharmed.

Months later Tamar gave birth to twins, Peretz and Zerach. Both of them, Chazal teach, were tzaddikim. The woman who had been ready to burn rather than shame another became the mother of the house of Dovid.

Source: Bereishis 37:32, 38:25–30; Gemara, Sotah 10b and Makkos 23b (Talmud Bavli); Midrash Bereishis Rabbah 85:11–13; Rashi on Bereishis 38:26. English: The William Davidson Talmud (Koren–Steinsaltz); The Sefaria Midrash Rabbah (2022).

Practical lessonSay the words that set someone free

Yehudah's honor was at stake, and he said it anyway: she is more righteous than I. Is there someone who is still carrying blame that is partly yours, a sibling, a spouse, a colleague? This week, say the plain sentence out loud to them: you were right, and I was wrong about this. Do not add an explanation or an excuse. Notice how a few honest words can lift a weight off another person, and off you.

Teachings

The Shechinah Asks for a Seal, a Cord and a Staff

The Noam Elimelech reads the story of Yehudah and Tamar as the story of the exile. Tamar, the date palm, is the Shechinah, who lifts Israel's good deeds on high and brings blessing down to them. In exile she pleads for her children. When she asks what he will give her, she is asking Hashem what more He will grant when He finally comes to redeem. He promises to send away the forces of impurity, the kid of the goats, from His holy flock. Meanwhile she asks for a pledge, eravon, a word the Rebbe connects to sweetness: some sweetness now, in the bitter exile. Her seal: that Israel be sealed upon Hashem's heart. Her cord: the threads of tzitzis, so that Israel always remember the mitzvos and return in teshuvah. Her staff: like Elisha's staff, power for the tzaddikim to heal and revive through their tefillah. And Hashem gave them all to her.

Noam Elimelech, Bereishis, Vayeishev (on Bereishis 38:13–18)

Practical lessonAsk for sweetness in the waiting

The Shechinah does not only ask for the final redemption; she asks for a pledge of sweetness along the way. In your own life, while you wait for something big, ask Hashem for a small taste of good today. Before you start Shemoneh Esrei, add one sentence of your own: give me some sweetness today. Then look for it, a kind word, a quiet minute, a mitzvah that went well, and say thank You when you find it.

Modesty in a Father-in-Law's House

The Gemara asks a simple question. The verse says that Yehudah took Tamar for a woman of the road because she had covered her face. Why should a covered face make him think so? It answers that she had covered her face in her father-in-law's house, so he did not know her when he met her on the road. From here Rav Shmuel bar Nachmani teaches in the name of Rebbi Yonasan that every bride who is modest in the house of her father-in-law merits that kings and prophets come from her. Kings came from Tamar through Dovid. Prophets came too, as Rav Levi received from his fathers: Amotz, the father of Yeshayahu, and Amatzyah, king of Yehudah, were brothers. The quiet conduct of one young woman in a family home carried within it the royal house of Israel.

Gemara, Megillah 10b and Sotah 10b (on Bereishis 38:15)

Practical lessonHonor the family you married into

Tamar's greatness grew in the quiet way she carried herself in her husband's family. Think of your in-laws, or of any family or community that took you in. This week, do one thing that honors them without being asked: call a father-in-law or mother-in-law just to ask how they are, speak of them warmly to your children, or hold back a remark you might have made. Small, unseen respect builds a home that blessing can grow from.

The Light of Moshiach

Why does the Torah break off the story of Yosef to tell of Yehudah and Tamar? The Midrash answers with a verse from Yirmeyahu: I know the thoughts that I think for you. The brothers were busy with the sale of Yosef, Yosef with his sackcloth and fasting, Reuven with his, and Yaakov with his. Yehudah was busy taking a wife. And Hashem was busy creating the light of the king Moshiach. Before the first oppressor of Israel was born, the final redeemer was already on his way. The Midrash adds that ruach hakodesh shone in Tamar when she asked for the pledge. The seal was kingship, the cord was the Sanhedrin, and the staff was Moshiach, the staff that will come forth from the stump of Yishai. In the darkest chapter of the family, Tamar was holding the future in her hands.

Midrash Bereishis Rabbah 85:1 and 85:9 (on Bereishis 38:1 and 38:18)

Practical lessonLook for the light being made

Everyone in Yaakov's house saw only loss, while Hashem was preparing the light of Moshiach. When a week feels heavy, take two minutes at night to write down one thing that might be the start of something good: a new friendship, a lesson learned, a door that closed so another could open. You do not need to understand the whole plan. It is enough to trust that while you are busy with your worries, Hashem is busy building.

Family & talmidim

Children: Peretz, son of Yehudah, forefather of Dovid HaMelech, Zerach, son of Yehudah, his twin

Historical sources